The song ‘Anna Begins’ has been in my head, over and over, all weekend. I’m trying to figure out what it could be about.

I want it to go something like this:

the girl loves him, but they’re just friends… she obviously wants more but he’s not ready. throughout the song he goes from not feeling anything to doubting his lack of feelings for her… thats when the melody changes from something hard to soft, almost sweet. But by the time he figures it out she’s already started to push away from him. In the end he finally figured it out but it was too late.

Take that.

My friend thinks more like the girl’s in a relationship but they’ve had some sort of affair before… she wants him to be with her but he thinks it was just a mistake/foolish. Pretty much the same ending from there, he figures it out too late.

So, I’m not really analyzing this song so much as rooting for the girl who doesn’t wait forever for this dude to love her back. At some point, it’s pathetic.

okay, I said pathetic, but really I don’t know… maybe it’s not. Maybe love’s worth it.

It was probably that stupid song that helped me decide on calling. Sometimes you, for your own benefit, need to share with someone how you feel.

Sometimes you’re lucky enough they’ve been waiting for your call.

You know that feeling when you like someone and you think about them all day and it’s the cutest feeling in the world? If you happen to be in that state right now, BEWARE.

I’m not a pessimist, but I can tell you, those feelings are fleeting.

I am a realist.

Realist (noun): – a person who accepts the world as it literally is and deals with it accordingly.

Just incase, now there is no room for misunderstanding.

I hate the way some people can make you feel by not doing anything at all. No one should have that sort of power over my emotions, and if they do — shouldn’t I have more?

I mean, if people control emotions eg someone does something and i in return feel a certain way, shouldn’t i be capable able to do the same… for myself? I should be able to do something that makes me feel something, anything, hopefully – better.

Once I had a boyfriend who bought me flowers. I had told him before that the idea of receiving flowers makes me want to barf. (maybe I no longer feel this way, that’s not the point) Anyway, he gave me flowers and it pissed me off.  The point of that is just to say, what makes one person feel one way might not be the same for the next.

Some people NEED to get things off their chest in order to feel better about things, I do not. I’ve been given advice, I’ve over-heard others receiving this advice, I’ve even given it — but I digress. I feel better knowing I’ve overcome my feelings for the sake of saving face.

This might be my worst advice ever.

I’ve felt worse about telling people how I feel than I ever have resenting keeping my mouth shut. See the thing is, we HAVE time, we just need to learn to gage it and use it appropriately. Meaning, you don’t have to spit out the way you feel all day everyday, because the way we feel changes. In my opinion, we should force ourselves to feel a certain way for a conciderable amount of time before we burden ourselves with the reprecussions of speaking too soon.

this is week 2 of me wanting to say something, but waiting. Why? because I’d rather say something when I’m only saying it because I need to. Right now I only want to — because I WANT him to do/say/change something — and that’s not fair. When (if) i say somthing it will only be because I need him to know, regardless of and without anticipation to what he might think/say/do in return.

My words and thoughts are mine, I only give them for two reasons, I do it for me and I do it for you/him/her/them — but when I share for others it’s a gift. Gifts are to be given without anticipation for reciprication, there should be no strings attached. Most importantly, you cannot take them back or say you didn’t mean it.

So, I’m doing all the things I had put off in the last year. Finally.

anyway, I got pretty stoned last night and started freaking out about how that was probably a huge mistake… but as I woke this morning, my regular self could see great reason behind my choice and I stick by it. Why? it was a landmark for me. I’m trying to take my life into my own hands and be, but more importantly feel more responsible for my actions. This tattoo is to remind me I don’t want to take life to seriously. Ever. It represents my friendship [more closely relatable to sisterhood] with Kate and my undying love for past and future pet cats.

It might be annoying to have to wear cardigans to work every day, but it’ll be my little secret I get to keep everyday. I think I’ll wear a sweat-band or some sort of tie if it’s too warm.

aaaandd scene.

LOOK AT THOSE KITTIES!

I’d like to think that some crazy man named them all and feeds them home made salmon dishes everyday. I’d like to think that someday I will just live in the woods with tons of cats.

so cute.

yesterday i woke up at 5 am and barfed. i wasn’t hungover and hadn’t been sick the night before but was stuck in bed all day and through the next night. it was awful. i didn’t even dream, it was like being dead.

I have no idea what was wrong with me.

I’m trying to do something new, something that might not be out of the ordinary for everyone, but for me.

I want to start with small changes and hit up the big ones next. Today’s the first day of the rest of my life – so starting today I’m going to start new habbits.

Day one: gym. not to work out but to sit in the sauna.

Tomorrow: yoga.

Lets see if I fail.